It happens over an empty cup
of Irish coffee, cream
still leftover. My straw is sticky
and my vision spins just enough
to make me think, strong,
but I don't hate it.

I walk back to the hotel
face pulled tight against the will
of winter, chest bubbling
with intoxication. Bailey's
and coffee mixes in the back
alley of my tongue. It's warm
and again, I don't hate it.

I realize I don't
hate it. I don't hate you.
You, a blank coloring page
I sought to fill in with RGB(255, 255, 0)
instead of acrylic yellow. You black
behemoth, my blank-eyed
obligation that dragged me
across the keyboard into a prison
with no clear origin. Reasons
encrypted by a key, forgotten
in damaged backlogs with only one
directory recalling one file
one program and one condition:

​

​

if ( desire_of_survival == true){
         force_myself_continue();
         exhaustion++;
}
else{
         fail();
}

This time I run the code
crouched on a gum stained sidewalk
and shatter.  
My heart sheds her porcelain lining
soft and filled with shards.
Embedded in flesh I fail
and fail and fail and fail.
My friend calls it living
so I run it again until it can’t be
maintained, can’t function
just breaks.

And then after that I’ll rewrite you.
You, my habitual hatred, end-of-the-joke
reason why my misery exists.
Your bits of binary barely
understood, your harsh taste I’ll
mix with my favorite song
in a rusted chalice, a messy cocktail.
I’ll down it and gag from the taste;
disgustingly sweet.

But I’ll stand
and walk and think
I don’t hate this.

 
Back in my hotel room my cheeks
are full of red blooms.
In the mirror I stare. You stand
with me. Fingertips pressing
stuck against reflection.
Poems begin just the same
as a program of code,
with purpose, and I found
no reason to dance
in a loop of lies with no clear
condition. But now

I'm sober
by the time I'm done
speaking to myself. The tang
of coffee and whiskey
is forgotten but I don't
hate it, no, I don't miss it either.
I just want to understand
this new flavor, make amends
with your blue filtered screen.
Because I confess
I never wanted to hate you

and I think I finally know how to start.