Self reflection v2

“Jesus Christ you look awful, how could you let yourself fall this far.”
 

“We sorry Mr. Fucking Perfect. Not all of us gets to live life on the easy road like you”
 

“The easy road? You’ve got to be joking right? There is no way that you think I got where I am because it’s easy. If anyone got to where they are by taking the easy path it’s you.”
 

“You think the life I live is easy! Everyday I have to scrap the money just to get by. Everything I do is shrouded in difficulty because of my habits.”

“Who started those habits?”

“That’s not fair man I can’t stop, you know I’ve tried and every single time I’ve failed.”
 

“You know that’s bullshit as well as I do, you say that so people like our parents and grandparents treat you with sympathy. You’ve never given it your best because you’re scared to actually try and fail.”

​

“Fuck you man you don’t know anything, I’ve alwa-”

“Don’t you dare start that pity train with me you know damn well that doesn’t work on me. You can lie to the rest of our family and even the world but you know damn well that the lies won’t work on me.”

​

“I’m not lying!”

“Yes you are! You know you are, and that you always have been! You’ve lied to everyone that has ever tried to help you!”

​

“Help me?! They abandoned me! How do you call that helping me?”

“They didn’t abandon you, you made it impossible to safely interact with you. Did you know that Grandma still wants to get in touch with you? After everything you’ve done to her she still wants to help you.”

“She’s obviously not trying very hard to get a hold of me. I haven’t heard anything substantial from her in years.”

“That’s because our parents won’t allow her to get close to you again after the last stunt you pulled. They are making her wait till you get clean, and actually get clean this time.”
 

“What last stunt are you talking about?”

 

“Really? You don’t remember? You were staying with Grandma after I don’t know how many failed attempts at rehab. You needed a fix and got an advance for the wrong people. You skipped town without a word to make Grandma any wiser to the thugs that were on her way. You were lucky that she was okay, they kicked down her door and then stole some of her jewelry to pay back your debts. They could have killed her or worse, you never even apologized.”

“It’s just jewelry, what's the big deal that can all be replaced? You said it yourself that she was fine, dad probably fixed her door and calmed her down.”

“Holy shit, you’re not the person I used to know. What happened to the boy that went out of his way to help people. The boy that stayed up all night crying when someone was in the hospital no matter how small the injury. What happened to you?”

 

“He died.”

“That’s bullshit. I know that the love that used to radiate from you is still somewhere in there. I can’t give up on you man, you’re not too far gone.”

“He is dead, what don’t you understand about that? I’m not the naive little boy anymore, I understand that the world sucks and there is nothing I can do about it”

 

“Did you know D started slinging dope?”

​

“What? Who’s D?”

“Deacon, his friends calm him D now. More anonymity, less likely to get grabbed at his house. He looked up to you his whole life, he always did his best to copy you. He watched the shows you watched, he read what you read, he even dressed like you. When you started to hang out with the crowd that ended you here, he did the same. I haven’t heard from him in a while. I hope he’s ok. I don’t know if he knows how far you’ve fallen, I hope he didn’t end up the same as you.”

 

“De-Deacon? He started selling dope? He was so smart, what a waste.”
 

“Don’t you dare look down on him. You dragged him down just like everyone in your life.”

 

“If Deacon decides to waste his life that’s his fault, it was his choice.”
 

“You say that if Deacon ruins his life that’s his choice, but refuse to accept that it’s your fault that you ended up where you are.”

“It’s not the same. I made a small mistake and now I can’t fix it, Deacon is still making that choice.”

​

“A small mistake? You call your addiction a singular small mistake?! How delusional are you man? You continue to choose this life, hell you are actively making that choice.”
 

“I can’t help myself, I can’t make myself say no anymore. It’s consumed my entire life and I can’t manage to climb out anymore”

“You’re so fucking pathetic, you know that if you decide to actually accept the help for real that you can get out. There are so many people that want to help you but you hurt them so often. You’ve let yourself become an utter waste of space that wallows in self-pity while waiting to die high on drugs”

​

“Fuck you!” I scream as I slam my hand into the mirror shattering it. I realize I’ve spent the last 10 minutes talking to myself in the mirror. I pick up one of the larger shards of glass and look at what I’ve become. My eyes are sunken into my head with my skin pulled taut over my bones due to malnutrition. My emaciated form paired with the deep purple bags under my eyes, and my slightly gray skin from not leaving the hotel room gives me the grisly look of a living skeleton. My hair has thinned and lightened to such a degree that I no longer recognize it as my own. My eyes that once danced with life and wonder now sit dark and still devoid of the joy I once knew. I look down and see my track marked arms. The reminder of each time I failed both myself and my family staring back at me. On the sink sits a lighter, needles and rubber resistance band, only now do I begin to feel the prickly tin foil package that rests in my hand.
 

“Deacon..” I squeeze the package remembering the name I had long forgotten. I remember seeing my younger cousin at family gatherings. He had.. no, has so much potential I have to try to help him. I’ve hurt so many people and I disregarded all of them. I can still fix some of it, I know I can. I toss the tinfoil in the toilet before heading back into the main room to get dressed. I find a woman wearing nothing but her underwear splayed out with a used needle loosely sitting in her right hand. I was supposed to be lying next to her high out of my mind. I throw that thought out of my head as I get dressed, I spot an old plastic necklace I made with my Grandma when I was younger. I never pawned it because it had no actual value. I grab it expecting it no to fit but find I can still clip in around my neck due to how skinny I’ve become. I go to leave the room, to find the help I need but I stop with my hand on the door. I turn back to the woman who’s name I either forgot or never learned. I carefully move the needle from her hand and then roll her onto her side, using pillows to keep her that way. I walk out into the stinging sunlight summoning a confidence I didn’t know I still possessed to utter a single word.

“Deacon.”